Encouragement for Singles

I married my ex-wife in 1991 after dating for her 5 years. We separated in May of 2003 and our divorce was final in August of 2004. I married the love of my life, the woman that God brought to me, in 2007. God is good!

I recently took over the role of Life Groups Pastor at my church, Bay Area Fellowship.  Over the last 10 years I’ve gone from Life Group leader to Life Group Pastor; I believe I’ve come full circle, so to speak.

I began leading a singles Life Group in early in 2005. God really prompted my heart to serve singles by providing an environment where we could grow in our relationships with Christ and support and encourage one another. I, vividly, recalled the struggle of getting through my separation and divorce and I needed to share what God had shown me through that journey.

Now that I’m married again, God hasn’t let me forget that journey. I am a living testimony of what God’s Word tells us in Romans 8:28; “…he works all things for the good….” I’ve had the opportunity to see, over the last several years, how God didn’t waste my hurt. He used it, and me, to lift others up.

Like I said in my previous post, I always knew that marriage could be great. God’s proven that to me over the last 7 years. However, there was a specific moment in time when the opportunity to have the great marriage that I have today became possible. This may surprise you, but that moment came long before I met my wife.

Sometime late in 2004, I was walking back to my apartment after a morning run, and I was struggling with the thoughts of all I had done to contribute to my divorce and what I could do to fix it. I believe that Satan wanted me to remain focused on my ex-wife and my divorce. One of the thoughts that would cross my mind regularly was… if I could just remarry my ex-wife then everything would be okay.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit reminded me that the divorce was done. I couldn’t take that back even if we did remarry. The sin couldn’t be undone. With that realization, I gave my desire to be married over to the Lord. I said exactly these words that morning; “Lord, if I am to remarry my ex-wife (I probably said her name), then I need to see her life change; I need see her give her life to You; if it’s not going to be her but someone else, then please make that person clear to me when the time is right, and if I am meant to live me life as a single person then so be it. I will serve you will all that I have and all that I am.”

In that moment, I felt the release of all of the weight of the burdens that I had been carrying with me. I felt a peace that I hadn’t known in a long time. By trusting God with that part of my life I released myself to live the life that He had for me. It was that moment that set me up to have the marriage that I have today – I truly believe that.

When we’re single, the idea of being married can become an idol to us. Any idol keeps us from the best that God has for us. If you want to live a successful single life you need to adjust your focus. You need to focus on your God.

You may be thinking, “I love God!” and I’m not saying that you don’t, but if you’re spending a good bit of time thinking about why you’re not married then it may be becoming an idol.

God’s Word tells us to love Him first (Matthew 22:37) and to seek Him first and He’ll take care of everything else (Matthew 6:33).

So here is my encouragement to you if you’re single. Drop your agenda and take up His. Love Him and love His people. Serve in His house. Join a Life Group so that you can spend time in community with other believers.

God has great things in store for you but it’s His will, not yours. Focus on serving and honoring Him.

Your Marriage is Important to Me

I feel like I have a hard time putting enough emphasis in that statement to really drive home how important this is to me.  However you may relate to the idea of marriage; whether you have never been married, you are widowed or divorced, or currently married; your marriage is important to me.  And if you are thinking, “You don’t even know me!”  I do not have to know you, it’s still important to me.

Why?  Because I have been through the ringer and back, so to speak.  I married my high school sweetheart after we dated for 5 years and we were married for 13 years.  It pretty much struggled from the start and, as I have looked back and evaluated that relationship, I can see, in hindsight, all of the red flags that presented themselves prior to getting married. 

My first marriage ended in 2004 and I met my soul mate in 2006 and married her the following year and our life together is fantastic.  That doesn’t mean we don’t have struggles from time to time.  We do.  There will always be struggle in relationships.  The difference this time is that we are fully focused on the same thing in life and on serving and honoring one another in our marriage.

So I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of marriage. Due to that, I feel a calling on my life to help people have successful marriages.  For me that means, whatever stage of life you may be in relating to marriage, I want to help you be successful.

If you have never been married but would like to be one day, I want to help you be prepared.

If you are divorced or widowed and would like to be married again, I want to help you drop whatever baggage you may carry with you so that you are prepared for your next marriage.  (I am not trying to be callous if you have been widowed and your previous marriage was great, but the fact of the matter is that there is still relational baggage that will have to be dealt with in order to have a successful marriage in the future.)

If you are married and struggling, I want to help you avoid the downward spiral that could lead to divorce at worst, or a long and unhappy marriage at best.

If you are married and it is good but you would like it to be better, I believe that I can help.

If you are married and it is great, then I want to learn from you.

I’ve always believed that marriage can be great.  Now that I am living it, I have to help everyone I can have a great marriage.

I’ll be spending much of my time on this topic in the future.  If I can help you or you can help me, either way, I would love to hear from you.

Step out!

I’ve heard it said that, “be not afraid,” or some version this phrase can be found in the Bible 365 times; once a day for each day of the year.  While that sounds great, in my research I haven’t found this to be accurate.  I’m not saying that it’s not true, I just can’t verify it.

What I do find is that the phrase, or some version of it, is in the Bible many times.   Often enough that I think that God really wants us to hear it.  I’ve written about this before so it’s important to me, too.  

Fear keeps too many of us from fulfilling our God given purpose in life.  A friend of mine wrote the following post on Facebook this morning, “If you have a pulse, you have a purpose.”  Very simple, yet very profound; and very true.

Why shouldn’t we step out?  It’s always fear, of something very near to it, that keeps us from stepping out but I think that we need to begin to think differently.  We need to count the costs.  Count the cost of stepping out as well as the cost of not stepping out.  I think that we often forget to count the cost of not stepping out which can, many times, be higher that we may think.  Personally, regret is becoming too high of a cost to me.  I don’t want to look back over my life and see the opportunities that I missed because I was afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

Come to think of it;  comfort may be just as big and enemy as fear but that’s a blog for another time.

So my challenge to you is this:  When an opportunity arises for you to step out of your comfort zone, evaluate the cost (of doing it and of not doing it) and if you’re willing to pay the highest price, then go for it.  I promise you, at least, this; you won’t have to live with regret.

God placed a purpose in each of us.  Step out and grab a hold of that purpose and see what God can do.

If you want to make a plan to reach for your God-given dreams then you should pick up my Pastor’s new book.

Why I have to spar

I was having a conversation with a new friend over lunch a couple of weeks back.  We’re both MMA fans and he asked some questions about my training and I said, out loud, something that I’ve never spoken before.  We were talking about sparring.  I told him that I don’t really like sparring but I have to do it.  Sure, you could say that it’s a required part of the class, and it is, but when it comes right down to it, I don’t have to do it; I could just quit.  But what I said this particular day really tells the whole story; I said, “I have to spar because it does something for my confidence that I can’t get anywhere else.”

I haven’t spoken about this in my posts in the past but I struggle with self-confidence.  The negative self-talk that goes on in my head, if I don’t keep it in check, would stop most people in their tracks.  It’s one of the reasons that I struggle with depression. (I’ve just walked through another season of depression recently.  I tell you more about that in future posts.)  Whether it was the things that I was told I couldn’t do as a kid (not as in it wasn’t allowed but as in, you’re not capable) or the bullying that I dealt with, I’ve spent a great deal of my life feeling inadequate and/or unworthy.

Now, as an adult I’ve worked to overcome these things but I continue to discover that it’s a lifelong process for me.  It’s something that I have to work on actively.  Sparring is one of the things that helps boost my confidence.  

I started training in Martial Arts at the age of 39… ish. (I’m 45 now.)  Since my first class was a fitness kickboxing class some might beg to differ with me.  We did, however, have bags to punch, not just air.  

A few months after starting the kickboxing class I started taking Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ).  My reasoning was this; there is no punching or kicking in the sport of BJJ so I don’t have to worry about getting beat up.   Later on, when I started working for my Martial Arts instructor at his studio he had me start training in Tae Kwon Do (TKD), the primary art that is taught at his school.  After, literally 2 class, he came in one morning and tossed me sparring gear and told me to get ready.  Now, to be clear, in the TKD program contact sparring starts at green belt which usually takes about 6 months to earn.  I didn’t even have my first stripe on my white belt and now I was being told that I was going to spar.  He was a 3rd Degree Black Belt at the time mind you.

So after a little freak out, mostly kept in check because I didn’t want him to know that this scared the crap out of me, I geared up and got ready for my first sparring session.  Needless to say, I didn’t have a lot of fun and I got kicked pretty hard a couple of times.  What I discovered, though, is priceless to me… I did it!  And that’s where my confidence is built.  Whether  I “win” or “lose” the match is irrelevant; it’s just a matter of conquering myself and my fear.  My confidence is built in the doing.

Again, sparring is part of the training.  If you don’t do it you can’t possibly improve.  Also, there really is never any winner or loser because it’s training.  But, I promise you this, you know when you win and you know when you lose.  It’s not very hard to determine.  Either way, I have to do it.

Men, have any of you ever had the fear that you were incapable of defending yourself or your family should the need arise?  I have.  In fact, I used to have dreams where I was unable to defend my family.  In my dreams I would throw punches but never land any of them.  Your mind is very powerful.  I was fearful that I was inadequate to defend my family and that fear manifested in my dreams.  Sure, you could just buy a gun, but if you don’t live where conceal and carry exists or you visit where it doesn’t exist, then what?  How do you defend yourself and your family?

I’ll tell you this, I can and will defend myself and my family if needed.  I have that confidence now, and, by the way, I no longer have the dreams of not being able defend them.

So, for me, that’s it.  I have to spar.  I don’t really like it, but I’m always glad I did it.

 

Trust

Trust has been on my mind a lot lately; specifically trusting God.  Why is it so difficult sometimes?  Even when I understand what God’s Word says on the subject, why do I still struggle to trust Him?

I believe that it all comes down to our very human desire to be in control.  We’re taught to be in control from a young age.  Control your emotions, your actions, etc….  The list goes on and on.  And just to be clear, there are many things that are directly under the control of our own will; what you eat, what you wear, your responses, etc….   But there are many things that are outside of your control and these are the areas where we struggle to trust that God is looking out for our best interests.

Now, I don’t want to discount the fact that there are consequences to our words and actions.  I don’t want this to sound like you can say or do destructive things and trust God to save you from the consequences — that’s just not realistic.

I’m talking about things that ultimately are out of our control and yet we want to control them.  Things like the decisions that our kids make.  We want them to make good decisions, choose good friends, make good financial decisions, and the like.  We worry about our kids, our friends, our family and worry is a lack of trust in God.  Again, the decisions that are made do have consequences but at some point we just have to let go and trust that God is ultimately in control of everything.

I have 2 and soon to be a third teenager.  I don’t like all of their decisions.  I worry about where they’re headed and the decisions that they may make along the way.  I pray, frequently, that they will seek God and His guidance.  All 3 of my kids have their own relationship with Christ.  They know Him and they know that He love them.  I just have to trust that He is looking out for the best for them.

It comes down to this:  Worry won’t help anything, so I choose to trust, to the best of my ability, that God will watch over them.  My constant prayer is this: God, bless and guide them; and then I do my best to just trust Him.
He has proven Himself faithful many times in my life so I recall those times and just trust.

And yet I still struggle; so I just continue to pray.  When it come right down to it, what else can I do?

What else can you do but trust God?

 

Rest!

Triple R Ranch

I spent last week with my family at a ranch in the Texas Hill Country.  It was beautiful!  We had a great time; ate great food, spent time in the pool, fed the goats, played ping-pong, and… relaxed.

Last week was quite likely my favorite vacation ever.  Sure, my kids would love to go to Disney, or Sea World, or Fiesta Texas.  We’ve done those things before and I enjoy those things myself, but I’ve never been one to want a vacation so that I could come home more tired than when I left.  That has never made sense to me.  I’d recommend to everyone to take a vacation like ours.  Take a vacation and rest!

Guess what, my kids had a great time.  All three of them told us so themselves.  I’m telling you that to encourage you to use your vacation, or at least a portion of it, to rest.  We’re no good to anyone; our families, our employers, etc… if we don’t rest.

Keep showing up!

I’ve learned again how important it is to just keep showing up.  The last couple of weeks at my Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) class have proved it true.

I’ve been training in the Martial Arts since 2008.  I’ve earned a brown belt in Tae Kwon Do and a blue belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ).  During that time, from 2009 – 2012, I actually worked for the studio where I trained.  However, about the time I earned my current rank in each of these disciplines I began having chronic respiratory problems.  It wasn’t until last summer (2012) that I was diagnosed with asthma.  Since then, I’ve had significant improvments in my health.

I tell you all of that so that you have a little more context for the rest of this post.  You see, I earned my current rank in December of 2011 and since that time, until about 3 months ago, I trained very little (maybe 2 months total) due to my health problems.  I began training again, in MMA (which includes the BJJ training), in April of this year.  Because of my current schedule I’ve had to limit my training to just the MMA program, and my attendance has still been hit and miss.  But, when I can, I show up!

We have a saying when we train that goes like this;  “Sometimes you’re the pigeon, sometimes you’re the statue.” Meaning basically, sometimes you have all of the moves and other times you just seem to stand still and get “pooped” on.

Well, needless to say, I’ve spent a lot of time being the statue since I started training again.  Just like anything else that you don’t do for a long time, it takes time to get the brain and the body on the same page.  The best way to line things back up?  You guessed it; keep showing up.  I’ve continued to show up over the last 3 months as often as I can and the last 2 weeks things have really started coming together.  I actually gained my first submission since being back in class.  I can’t describe how excited I was.  To top it off, it was a triangle choke, and I’ve never finished that submission before; ever!  All of this because I just kept showing up.

I want to encourage you, that in whatever it is that you’re doing or trying to win at; whether it’s a job, a hobby, a relationship, that “just showing up” is more than half the battle in accomplishing your goal.

Keep showing up!

 

Keep Your Hands Up!

I’m not sure if any of you are MMA fans but I am.  Recently, at UFC 162, Anderson Silva, arguably the best MMA fighter ever at this point in history, was knocked out by Chris Weidman.

For the purposes of what I’m sharing with you today, who knocked him out is really irrelevant.  How he got knocked out is what I’m going to be talking about today.  And just so that I’m clear, I’ve not been a big fan of Anderson Silva for a while.  I agree that he is a great fighter, but I’m not a fan of how he fights and that started with UFC 90.

UFC 90 is my earliest recollection of his penchant for dancing around and toying with his opponents, in my opinion, to the point of being disrespectful.  Now some people disagree with me, and I accept the argument that this is part of his fight plan; “to get in the head” of his opponents.  Personally, I don’t like it.  I feel that if he really believes that he’s that much better than his opponent then he should attack and finish the fight.  Again, to be fair, he’s finished plenty of fights, but there have been a few very ugly 5 round fights where he basically played with his opponents like a cat does a mouse.  The difference is, Silva didn’t go for the kill.

Anyway, I’m going a little too far off an a tangent here.  He got knocked out at UFC 162.  He played the same game, dancing, cajoling, taunting and daring his opponent into playing his game.  Silva wanted a stand up fight vs. what many thought was Weidman’s best chance, taking Silva to the ground, – which happened in round 1.   Well, he did it to the wrong guy!  Weidman stayed in control of his emotions and kept attacking and with Silva ducking and dodging punches, he landed a wicked left hook that sent Silva to the mat.  Fight over!!!  And I was happy!

Anyway, this is my point:  Proverbs 16:18: Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

I won’t take anything away from Chris Weidman because he did what no one else has done.  He continued to attack and he took advantage of what, I feel, was Silva’s pride.

It’s a fight, man!  Keep your hands up!  It’s great to have confidence in your skill, but don’t let your pride take over and make a stupid mistake.  It’s a lack of keeping up the fundamentals that will destroy you.  “Keep your hands up” is fighting 101!

Don’t let pride beat you.  Be confident, sure, but don’t let your guard down.

What if tomorrow never comes?

This whole idea (and I have no idea why now) really struck a chord with me.  Why don’t I make more decisions based on this idea?  I mean even the simple things.  Why don’t I clean out the garage today?  I certainly wouldn’t what my wife to deal with it if I don’t see tomorrow.

What about the bigger things?  What about telling someone you love them?  Why in the world would you put off until tomorrow?  But we do.  Certainly, there is a place for planning, and moments when things can wait until tomorrow.  Do you have to mow the yard today?  No.  Should you?  Maybe.

Look, it’s my nature is to procrastinate; it’s also in my nature to over think things, so what I’m really trying to say here is that there is a time to stop planning and start doing.  It’s not as simple as, “don’t put off until tomorrow what can be done today.”  For me, it’s about not just talking about doing something, but actually doing that thing.  (I talked about this in my last post.)  I don’t want to be known for talking about great things, I want to be known for doing great things.

The Bible tells us in James 4:13-14:  Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.

The older I get the more that I realize that my time is very limited.  I want to live a life without regret.

And again; I don’t want to discourage planning, but even more I want to encourage doing.

Go, do, and live!

I want to live this way!

NO REGRETS!  NO “WHAT IF’S!”

Ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder…?

Why didn’t you ask that person out on a date?

Why didn’t you try to get that job?

Why didn’t you take that trip?

Why didn’t I give this/that a try?

Why didn’t I start that business?

Do you ever wonder about those things that you thought about doing but never tried to do them?

Here’s one example that I have:  Why didn’t I play football is high school?  My reason at the time was that I thought that I was too small but the real reason was fear.  Going into high school as a freshman I didn’t want to have to scrimmage the varsity team.

I have a others that are job, education, or relationship related.  Thankfully I don’t think much about them but, once in a while, I wonder.  I’ve learned that there is no point in wasting time in regret; I can’t change the past, but I can change how I make decisions about my future.

You see, you don’t have time to waste regretting your past.  You need to take what you can learn from the past and use that information to make better decisions for your future.  I would say that the main thing that we can learn is to not let fear of the unknown affect our decision-making.  Did I know that I would get hurt in a scrimmage against the varsity team if I played football?  No, yet I let that keep me from trying.  Sure I might have been injured, but I’ll never know if I would have been injured or if I would have been a star on the team.

I don’t know about you but I don’t want to wonder any more.  I no longer what to “not know” what might have happened.  I’ve decided that I’m doing things differently for the rest of my life!

Case in point:  Do I know if I’m a gifted speaker?  Nope, but I’m going for it.  (BTW… let me know if you need a speaker for an event and I’ll show up.)  Do I know if I enjoy competing in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ)?  Nope, but I will compete this year.

Let me explain a bit using the BJJ scenario:  I enjoy competition, but really just for the sake of playing the game.  I don’t have to win but I will try to win when I compete.  I will admit, however, that I don’t like obnoxious winners.  But, I’m not going to let that (obnoxious winners), fear of injury, fear of failure, or fear in general keep me from competing.  I will win when I show up because I will no longer have to wonder what might have been – I will know.

So, my question for you is this: will you keep wondering or will you start doing?

I pray that you’ll go for it!